


godfeels

by SarahZedig



Series: i dreamed of feeling better [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), Gen, God Tier, Retcon Timeline, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-12-26 22:19:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18291356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahZedig/pseuds/SarahZedig
Summary: Your name is John Egbert, and you're fairly sure you used to be human.





	1. Chapter 1

There was a dream in a dark place that spoke so loud a universe followed in its wake. 

You never really thought to think of it, back when you and your friends were just playing games. Too many dogs, too many clowns, too many combinations thereof to allow for an extended self-reflective think on the matter of existence. Right up until the moment you won, fun and fear were all any of you could handle. 

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You have a variety of INTERESTS, including a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES, being NOT VERY GOOD at programming computers, and... 

Other things too, presumably. 

You are feeling particularly MAUDLIN today, and there is something on your mind that you can't quite put into words. Seems as good a time as any to talk to your friends. 

\----

John: hey, rose?  
Rose: Yes?  
John: ...are you busy?  
Rose: That depends on your definition, Egbert.  
Rose: If by "busy" you mean "struggling to collaborate with a certain timebound meme-child and his angry bullfrog of a boyfriend in corralling a mob of bloodthirsty carapacians,"  
Rose: Then no, obviously I am not in the least bit busy.  
John: oh.  
John: okay.  
John: ...  
Rose: What is it?  
John: what’s what?  
Rose: JOHN.  
Rose: YOU called ME.  
Rose: What’s wrong?  
John: it’s nothing.  
John: i mean...  
Rose: You’re obviously trying not to bother me, which I respect and appreciate, but vaguely gesturing at a nothing that is clearly a something only really manages to  
Rose: Hold on.  
John: rose?  
Rose: Hello John  
John: uhh.  
Rose: How Do I Change The Text Color On Roses Glossy Palmhusk  
John: kanaya?  
Rose: No This Is Karkat  
Rose: That Was Sarcasm  
John: you’re getting good at that.  
Rose: Thank You I Am Trying  
Rose: Though I Think Our Typing Quirks May Get In The Way Of Any Attempted Ruse  
John: have you tried caps lock?  
Rose: Caps Lock  
Rose: dO yOU mEAN lIKE tHIS  
Rose: oH nO  
Rose: i dONT lIKE tHIS rUSE  
Rose: jOHN hOW dO i uNLOCK tHE cAPS  
John: uhh...  
Rose: Nevermind I Figured It Out  
Rose: This Conversation Is Off To A Very Inauspicious Start  
John: where’s rose?  
Rose: Why Are The Text Color Options Hidden Behind So Many Menus  
Rose: Someone Needs To Tell Whoever Made This Interface That Color Variance Is The Most Popular Customization Option Among Their Target Demographic Of Verbose And Confused Teenagers  
John: kanaya.  
Rose: We Are All Literally Friends With The Woman Who Owns The Company That Made It This Seems Like A Very Easy Fix  
Kanaya: Found It  
Kanaya: Yes John  
John: where’s rose??  
Kanaya: She Appears To Be Channeling The Essence Of Sundry Dark Majyyks In An Attempt To Frighten The Carapacians Back Into Their Can Hives  
John: what’s going on?  
Kanaya: Honestly John  
Kanaya: I Am Unclear As To The Precise Details Of The Situation But I Am Already Convinced That It Is Karkats Fault  
John: oh, uhhh...  
John: do you need help?  
Kanaya: Arent You On The Other Side Of The Planet  
John: i can do the windy thing!  
Kanaya: The Windy Thing  
John: yeah you know, turn into wind, mysteriously appear places.  
John: it’s sort of...  
John: i mean it’s my aspect?  
Kanaya: Yes John I Know All Of The Things That You Just Said  
Kanaya: That Was A Skeptical Statement Not A Question  
Kanaya: I Havent Seen You Do The Windy Thing In Sweeps  
Kanaya: Couldnt You Just Appear Here With Your Other Ability  
John: yeah probably, but it...  
John: i don’t really...  
John: um.  
Kanaya: You Dont Like To Use It  
Kanaya: The Windy Thing Is Unreliable And The Other Thing Makes You Sad  
Kanaya: We Have Had This Conversation Several Times  
Kanaya: Hence Previous Skepticism As To Your Ability To Promptly Cover Great Geographical Distances  
John: thanks for the callout, kanaya.  
Kanaya: I Am Fairly Certain You Called Me  
John: i called rose!  
Kanaya: John We Are Literally Married  
Kanaya: In Your Culture That Is Like Becoming The Same Person  
John: wait, like fusion???  
John: do you become a large lady with a fun combination of your names?  
John: like...  
John: lolayam?  
John: rokanaya?  
John: maryrose?  
Kanaya: I Think You Are Making A Reference To Something That I Do Not Understand  
Kanaya: But Yes  
Kanaya: Just Like That Thing You Said And Its Various Cultural Implications We Become One Disproportionately Oversized Being With A Charming And Easily Recognizable Portmanteau For A Name  
Kanaya: Only In This Case Not Like That At All And Instead Entirely Metaphorical  
Kanaya: That Was More Sarcasm  
John: i know.  
John: i thought that sounded like something john would say...  
Kanaya: What  
John: i mean, uh.  
John: something i would say?  
John: sorry it's been a weird morning.  
John: just tell me if everyone is okay? is rose safe?  
Kanaya: Rose Is A God She Will Be Fine  
John: i  
John: ...  
John: cool, got it.  
John: tell rose to call me back i guess.  
Kanaya: I Will Do That Just As Soon As I Find The Chromaspectrum Menu Again  
Kanaya: John  
Kanaya: Are You Still There  
Kanaya: Rude


	2. Chapter 2

You feel something tug at your heart from far away as the screen of your palmphone goes dim. 

Rose used to say she'd be there for you no matter what, and you know she meant it. That is the kind of thing that friends say to each other when they care. 

But life happens, doesn't it? 

Sometimes we are too busy to keep our promises, and it is nobody's fault. Which, unfortunately, doesn't lessen the disappointment one feels when the support you need is nowhere to be found. 

Even though you aren't sure what you want to talk about, you know you need to talk to someone. It's begun to eat at you like a name that's stuck on the tip of your tongue. Unfortunately, it seems like all your conversational standbys are tied up at the moment. Sounds familiar. 

That's not fair. No one is avoiding you. It is busy work building a civilization from the ashes. 

Okay, who else is free? You unlock your palmphone and scroll through your contacts. 

Jake? Jane? Too busy being moguls. 

The Sprites? Mysteriously unflappable and generally ignorant of nuance. 

Roxy? You love talking to her, but she is probably on a well-deserved wine date with Calliope. Who you also love, surprising no one. 

Dirk? You've never really connected on account of Dave, but you get the sense that he'd be more focused on solving your problem than actually talking to you. 

Jade? 

... 

No. 

Finally, you stop at Terezi. You haven't talked to her in a long time, probably because she is in the far reaches of paradox space looking for Vriska. 

Gosh, everyone just has so many irons in the fire! Where did they even find all those irons? 

And why do none of them involve you? 

Not a moment after you lock your phone again does the screen light up. How Do I Live by Trisha Yearwood plays as your ringtone. Oh right, John's INTERESTS. 

Your interests, you mean. 

Terezi's smudged selfie smiles back at you. 

\----

Terezi: WH4T DO YOU N33D JOHN  
John: hi terezi!  
Terezi: GR33T1NGS S4LUT4T1ONS SOM3TH1NG SOM3TH1NG GRUB PUN WH4T DO YOU N33D JOHN  
John: how is paradox space?  
Terezi: BROK3N  
Terezi: COLD  
Terezi: 1T'S L1K3 4LT3RN14 BUT WORS3  
Terezi: WH4T DO YOU N33D  
John: any leads on vriska?  
Terezi: Y3S JOHN 1 1NT3RROG4T3D M4NY GHOSTS 1N 4 DR4M4T1C SHOW OF L3G1SL4C3R4T1V3 4CUM3N  
Terezi: 1'V3 G4TH3R3D DOZ3NS OF T4NT4L1Z1NG CLU3S 4ND H4V3 PUT TH3M UP ON 4 W4LL TO B3 COV3R3D W1TH R3D STR1NG, TH3 W4Y 1D1OTS DO 1N MOV13S  
Terezi: 4FT3R 4LL TH1S WORK, 1 H4V3 N34RLY SOLV3D TH3 C4P3R OF "WH3R3 TH3 FUCK D1D VR1SK4 S3RK3T RUN OFF TO"  
Terezi: TH4NK YOU FOR 4SK1NG >:[  
John: jeez, you don't have to mean.  
Terezi: 1 H4V3 NOT SL3PT OR H4D FOOD OR BR34TH3D 4NY K1ND OF 41R 1N 4 V3RY LONG T1M3, 1T'S 4N HON3ST TO CLOWN J3GUS M1R4CL3 TH4T 1 H4V3 NOT D3VOLV3D TO TH3 GUTTUR4L CR13S OF 4 F3R4L B4RKB34ST  
Terezi: FR4NKLY 1 DON'T KNOW HOW 1 4M ST1LL 4L1V3  
John: :/  
Terezi: 1'M NOT 3V3N GODT13R WH4T'S UP W1TH TH4T  
John: maybe you're just that awesome!  
Terezi: TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 VOT3 OF CONF1D3NC3 BUT 1 DON'T TH1NK TH4T'S HOW B1OLOGY WORKS  
Terezi: >:|  
Terezi: BUT TH3N 4G41N NOTH1NG 4BOUT TH1S F4RC1C4L UN1V3RS3 H4S 3V3R M4D3 S3NS3 SO WHO 4M 1 TO PR3SUM3  
Terezi: WH4T DO YOU N33D JOHN  
John: oh, right!  
John: i don't, uhh... know, exactly?  
Terezi: TH3 1NQU1S1T1V3 NOODL3 4T TH3 3ND OF TH4T S3NT3NC3 B3L13S TH4T YOU 4R3 NOT 4CTU4LLY 4S UNC3RT41N 4S YOU L3T ON  
John: really?  
Terezi: Y3S JOHN  
Terezi: 1 4M 1N YOUR H34D, R34D1NG YOUR M1ND L1K3 4N 3XTR3M3LY OP3N BOOK  
Terezi: WHY DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH HUM4N N1CHOL4S C4G3 TR1V14  
John: he's the best actor in human history!  
Terezi: H3 1S TR4SH FROM 4N 3XCR3M3NT CUB3  
John: <:O  
Terezi: TH1S 1S POINTL3SS  
Terezi: 1'M NOT 1N YOUR H34D 1'M JUST GU3SS1NG B4S3D ON PR3V1OUS CONV3RS4T1ONS TH4T YOU 4R3 L3SS DOUBTFUL TH4N R3T1C3NT, B3C4US3 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO T4LK TO P3OPL3 4ND YOU 4R3 4FR41D OF 4L13N4T1NG TH3M  
John: wow, that's not really a great thing to say about someone right to their face!  
John: why is everyone jumping down my throat today?  
Terezi: 1F 1 H4D TO T4K3 4 SHOT 1N TH3 D4RK  
Terezi: WH1CH 1 W1LL R3M1ND YOU 1S L1T3R4LLY 4LL OF TH3 SHOTS 1 T4K3, B3C4US3 1 4M BL1ND  
Terezi: YOUR FR13NDS 4R3 3MB4RK1NG ON TH3 P3R1LOUS JOURN3Y 1NTO YOUR SOPP1NG W3T 1GNOR4NC3 SH4FT B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 C4LL1NG TH3M OUT OF TH3 BLU3 ONLY TO D3L1V3R S1L3NT BR34DCRUMB TR41LS TH4T 4R3 4BSOLUT3LY PR3GN4NT W1TH DR4M4  
John: ...  
Terezi: Y3S JUST L1K3 TH4T  
Terezi: 1 C4N T3LL FROM TH3 MUT3D C4NDY BLU3 OF YOUR WORD SH4P3S TH4T YOU 4R3 1N 4 VULN3R4BL3 ST4T3 4ND TH4T MY PO1NT3D QU1PS 4R3 NOT M4K1NG M4TT3RS B3TT3R  
John: wow, how did you figure that one out?  
Terezi: 1 4M 4 D3T3CT1V3, JOHN  
Terezi: F1GUR1NG TH1NGS OUT 1S MY JOB  
Terezi: >:]  
John: it kind of seems like troll society doesn't have jobs? maybe you are overstating the case a little.  
Terezi: H4V3 YOU T4K3N 4 MOM3NT TO CONS1D3R TH3 L1NGU1ST1C 1MPL1C4T1ONS OF TH3 T3RM L3G1SL4C3R4TOR  
John: ...okay, that's fair.  
Terezi: 1 W1LL 4SK 4G41N  
Terezi: WH4T DO YOU N33D JOHN  
John: honestly?  
John: i think it would be super cool to talk to someone who wasn't heckling me every time i say a sentence??  
John: maybe that isn't a "n33d" by your standards.  
Terezi: 1T 1SN'T  
John: SIGH  
John: ...  
John: terezi.  
John: we won didn't we?  
Terezi: 1S TH1S 4N 4CTU4L QU3ST1ON  
John: i guess not.  
John: we definitely won.  
John: maybe i just thought that winning would feel...  
John: better?  
Terezi: 4S SOM3ON3 WHO 1S 1NT1M4T3LY F4M1L14R W1TH UNM1T1G4T3D SUCC3SS, 1 C4N SP34K W1TH 4UTHOR1TY WH3N 1 S4Y  
Terezi: 1T N3V3R F33LS 4S GOOD 4S YOU TH1NK 1T W1LL  
John: really?  
Terezi: 1M4G1N3 YOU 4R3 R34D1NG 4 BOOK  
Terezi: 1T 1S B1G 4ND COMPL1C4T3D 4ND D1FF1CULT TO FOLLOW 4T T1M3S 4ND T4K3S FOR3V3R TO F1N1SH  
Terezi: 1T GO3S ON SO LONG YOU F1ND YOURS3LF 1NV3NT1NG 3XTR4 M34N1NG JUST TO H3LP M4K3 S3NS3 OF 1T  
Terezi: 4ND WH3N 1T'S F1N4LLY OV3R, YOU CLOS3 TH3 BOOK 4ND 4SK YOURS3LF  
Terezi: "WH4T NOW?"  
John: ...  
Terezi: NOW 1M4G1N3 TH4T TH1S BOOK 1S 4S B1G 4S TH3 UN1V3RS3 4ND 4LSO TH3 ONLY BOOK TH4T H4S 3V3R OR W1LL 3V3R 3X1ST  
Terezi: W1NN1NG 1S L1K3 TH4T  
John: wow.  
John: that's a sad way to look at it, terezi!  
Terezi: 1 DON'T KNOW 1F YOU NOT1C3D, JOHN  
Terezi: 3X1ST3NC3 1S S4D  
Terezi: WH1CH 1S WHY 1T'S PO1NTL3SS TO OBS3SS OV3R W1NN1NG 4ND LOS1NG  
Terezi: SO W3 B34T SGRUB  
Terezi: GR34T  
Terezi: PL34S3 T3LL M3 WH4T H4S M4T3R14LLY CH4NG3D FOR US  
Terezi: W3 GR3W 4 L1TTL3 4ND L34RN3D SOM3 L3SSONS 4ND GOT D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO M4K1NG R3GR3TT4BL3 SC4RL3T 4DV4NC3S ON 4 CLOWN  
Terezi: W3 4R3 ST1LL THOROUGHLY 1MM3RS3D 1N TH3 NONS3NS3 DR4M4 OF OUR T1NY L1TTL3 L1V3S  
Terezi: 3XC3PT NOW W3 4R3 1N CH4RG3 OF ST3W4RD1NG S3V3R4L SP3C13S OF S3NT13NT CR34TUR3S 1NTO 4 BR1GHT 4ND HOP3FUL FUTUR3 SO 1T 1S 4CTU4LLY WORS3  
Terezi: WH1CH 1S WHY 1'M 1N FUCK1NG P4R4DOX SP4C3 TRY1NG NOT TO G3T SUCK3D 1NTO 4 UN1V3RS3-S1Z3D VORT3X 1NST34D OF CR4CK1NG OP3N 4 S1NGUL4R FROST3D CYL1ND3R W1TH MY FR13NDS B4CK ON 34RTH C  
Terezi: >:[  
John: wait.  
John: do you not want to come back?  
Terezi: TH4T 1SN'T WH4T 1 S41D  
John: i dunno, terezi.  
John: your, uh...  
John: angry frown face?  
John: belies that you don't want to come back.  
Terezi: LOOK 4T YOU M4K1NG 1NF3R3NC3S L1K3 SOM3 K1ND OF JUN1OR D3T3CT1V3  
John: don't change the subject!  
Terezi: F1NE  
Terezi: LOOK, 1 W4NT TO COM3 B4CK  
Terezi: BUT NOT W1THOUT H3R  
John: right.  
John: but what if she's...  
John: what if you can't find her?  
Terezi: YOUR DR4M4T1C 3UPH3M1SM FOR VR1SK4 B31NG D34D 1S NOT 4PPR3C14T3D  
Terezi: B3S1D3S, TH3 PR3M1S3 OF YOUR QU3ST1ON 1S FL4W3D  
Terezi: 1F VR1SK4 W3R3 D34D, 1'D KNOW  
John: ...are you sure?  
Terezi: JOHN  
Terezi: WH4T DO YOU N33D?  
John: oh come on!  
Terezi: 1'M NOT H4V1NG TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH YOU SO 31TH3R G3T TO TH3 PO1NT OR L34V3 M3 4LON3  
John: okay!!!  
John: i'm just worn out and confused and having a hard time relating to...  
Terezi: >:?  
John: i don't know.  
John: the whole thing.  
Terezi: WH1CH TH1NG  
John: everybody is really happy and having a grand old time getting married and kissing each other, making the world a better a place and all.  
John: even you, your whole maybe suicide quest is about love!  
John: or one of the loves you trolls have.  
John: mate sprites? is that the good one?  
Terezi: CLOS3 3NOUGH  
John: i know it hasn't been easy for anyone and we're all, kind of...  
John: traumatized.  
John: but no one else seems to be doing it alone!  
Terezi: 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOU N33D TO T4LK TO J4D3  
John: what!  
John: pffffffff.  
John: what would i even say to her? she's busy doing troll society stuff.  
John: i don't want to inconvenience her or whatever.  
Terezi: JOHN, PL34S3 3XPL41N TO M3  
Terezi: 1N L4BOR1OUS 4ND P41NFULLY SP3C1F1C D3T41L  
Terezi: HOW ON3 COULD 3V3R CONC31V4BLY 1NCONV3N13NC3 4 W1TCH OF SP4C3  
John: she's still a person!  
John: with things and stuff to do, irons in the fire, the whole shebang!  
John: besides, she doesn't want to hear from me.  
Terezi: WOW, 1T'S B33N L3SS TH4N 4 M1NUT3 4ND YOU'V3 4LR34DY COM3 UP W1TH THR33 S3P4R4T3 BUT 3QU4LLY NONS3NS3 R34SONS FOR WHY YOU SHOULDN'T T4LK TO H3R  
John: they aren't nonsense!  
Terezi: TH3Y 4R3 D3MONSTR4BLY NONS3NS3  
Terezi: YOU SHOULD T4LK TO J4D3  
John: i don't want to!  
John: she'll just be mad at me.  
Terezi: H4V3 YOU 3V3R KNOWN H3R TO G3T 4NGRY, B3S1D3S WH3N SH3 W4S UND3R TH3 1NFLU3NC3 OF 4 G3NOC1D4L F1SH  
John: no...  
Terezi: YOU N33D TO T4LK TO J4D3  
Terezi: >:[  
John: what would i even say to her?  
Terezi: PROB4BLY V3RY L1TTL3, 1F YOUR CURR3NT MOOD 1S 4NY 1ND1C4T1ON  
Terezi: L1ST3N  
Terezi: 1 H4V3 TO GO, B3C4US3  
Terezi: HON3STLY 1 JUST W4NT TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON TO B3 OV3R  
Terezi: NOT TO B3 M34N BUT YOU H4V3N'T 3X4CTLY 1MPROV3D MY MOOD  
John: right, because you're known for your sunny disposition.  
Terezi: 1RR3L3V4NT  
Terezi: T4LK TO J4D3  
John: tereziiiiiiii, you don't understand!  
Terezi: Y3S 1 DO  
Terezi: T4LK TO J4D3  
John: ...  
Terezi: DON'T TR41L M3 L1K3 TH4T, HUM4N  
Terezi: 1 M4Y B3 BL1ND 4ND MORT4L BUT 1 C4N ST1LL K1CK 4 GOD'S 4SS 4NY D4Y OF TH3 W33K  
John: you'd have to come back home to do that!  
Terezi: >:p  
John: okay.  
John: thanks, i think? for the conversation.  
Terezi: 4NY T1M3  
Terezi: JUST NOT FOR TH1S LONG, 4ND NOT V3RY OFT3N  
John: wow, that's...  
John: honest.  
Terezi: GOODBY3 JOHN  
Terezi: T4LK TO J4D3


	3. Chapter 3

As you lower your phone from your ear, you consider Terezi's words for all of a few seconds before deciding that, as is very in character for her, she has no idea what she's talking about. 

Jade doesn't want to hear from you. You might as well just- 

And then your phone rings. 

\----

Jade: john!!  
John: oh.  
John: uhhhh, hi jade!  
John: did you know i was about to call you?  
Jade: terezi told me!  
Jade: she said you were really sad about something and that you needed to talk to me but probably wouldnt, so i called you first!  
John: wow, that’s a cool thing she did.  
Jade: :)  
Jade: i feel like we havent talked in forever! everybody is so busy these days, i can't imagine the shenanigans youve been up to!!  
Jade: what did you want to talk about?  
John: i didn’t...  
John: um.  
John: how are you?  
Jade: oh, im ok  
Jade: managing baby trolls has been chaotic and strange but kanaya is really patient  
Jade: which is good! its been nice to babysit and watch grubs growing up  
Jade: i never had a family life so this is kind of like making up for lost time  
Jade: they call me dogmom!!!  
Jade: :o  
John: that’s adorable.  
Jade: it is!  
Jade: anyway what did you want to talk about?  
John: oh.  
John: ...  
John: well...  
Jade: joooooooooooohn!  
Jade: please say what you want to say, you know im not going to judge  
John: ummm.  
Jade: bark!!  
John: okay!  
John: um.  
John: i wanted to say...  
Jade: :?  
John: i’m sorry.  
Jade: <:o  
Jade: sorry for what??  
John: ...  
John: it doesn’t matter.  
Jade: john!!!!!  
Jade: whats going on why are you sorry??  
Jade: john please answer me  
Jade: hey!  
John: sorry.  
Jade: for what???  
John: for disappearing for a sec.  
Jade: no!! i mean why are you sorry right now in the not-momentarily-inconvenienced sense????  
John: sigh.  
John: jade, i...  
John: jeez, why is this so hard?  
Jade: i dont know because you wont tell me so just say it please i am very curious!!  
John: okay, okay!  
John: i guess, um.  
John: can i ask you a question?  
Jade: yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
John: do you ever find yourself thinking that...  
John: that you don’t remember what it's like to be human?  
Jade: oh  
John: sorry.  
Jade: no dont apologize! it just seems like a silly thing to be so dramatic about  
John: really?  
Jade: yes!!  
Jade: basically everyones asked me at this point, honestly its kind of lost its charm a little!  
John: woah.  
John: uhh...  
Jade: just because im part dog doesn’t mean im not still human, john!  
John: what?  
John: no, jade, that’s not...  
John: i promise i wasn’t talking about furry stuff.  
John: i’m asking because i...  
Jade: :/  
John: i don’t know if i do.  
John: remember, i mean.  
Jade: remember...?  
Jade: this is about us being gods, isnt it  
John: YES!!!!!!!!  
Jade: :o  
John: sorry, i just,  
John: yes.  
John: so...  
John: do you?  
Jade: do i forget how it feels to be human?  
John: yeah.  
Jade: john...  
Jade: this is a hard question because i dont know if i ever really knew what it was like to be human in the first place?  
John: huh?  
Jade: i mean in the sense that i never had friends, or family, or anyone besides bec  
Jade: who was a very good dog dont get me wrong!!  
Jade: and im not just saying that because he is literally part of me now  
Jade: but when he wasnt protecting me he was off being mysterious and leaving me to my own devices  
Jade: i had you guys and jake and the trolls I GUESS but none of you were ever...  
Jade: here  
Jade: it was just me  
Jade: and now im watching trolls grow up and i see them touching hands and falling on each other and running in circles and all those very normal kid things  
Jade: and none of that was normal for me!!  
Jade: my normal was guns and corpses and abandoned trophies and dream visions of a future that only made sense because i had no frame of reference  
Jade: i was dropped on an island and my dog took care of me and vriska made me dream and even those dreams werent mine  
Jade: they were just more unspoken rules for me to follow  
Jade: i thought i knew so many things for sure because absolutely nothing in my life was ever uncertain except a nebulous future that i just kind of figured would work out fine!  
Jade: but out of all of us i was the most ignorant  
Jade: because i dared to think i had any control over anything that was going to happen  
John: gosh.  
Jade: :x  
Jade: sorry!! i didnt mean to vent like that  
John: no, it’s okay!  
John: it sounds like you needed to.  
John: at least now you’re away from all that though, right?  
Jade: <<;  
Jade: i dont  
Jade: wooooof john you dug up some emotions for me  
John: i thought digging was your thing!  
Jade: >:[  
John: :p  
Jade: john  
Jade: yes youre right i was away from it  
Jade: for an incredible moment i was so strong and so free and so cool and i finally got to do something amazing and help the people i love!!!!  
Jade: that was the closest i ever came to feeling human because it was a moment when i had the desire to do something, the ability to do it, and the freedom to make the choice at all!  
Jade: so i made those choices and i saved the essential pieces of our session and despite everything we still got away before the scratch!  
Jade: and then you died anyway  
Jade: and i was alone  
John: ...  
Jade: everybody came together from across timelines and universes and sessions after years of planning and preparation for the biggest most important strife in the history of paradox space!  
Jade: and what was my role in that big giant battle???  
Jade: herding dogs  
Jade: which was fun! and it was something i chose to do despite being a liability  
Jade: i felt bad that i couldnt do more but it sure beat sleeping through the whole thing  
Jade: but then!!  
Jade: one of the dogs punched me out, and i slept through the whole thing anyway!!!  
Jade: and when i woke up, it was already over  
Jade: i put on a smiling face and obviously i was overjoyed that everyone was ok and that we won  
Jade: we got to create earth c together!!!  
Jade: how cool is that?? :o  
Jade: but none of that changes that i...  
Jade: i failed  
Jade: pm was able to beat bec noir, sure  
Jade: but what if she wasn’t???  
Jade: you were barely able to beat the condesce and the jacks as it was!  
Jade: i was terrified when i woke up because i thought you'd all be dead, and when i felt the urge to avenge you before i knew better i realized it would be worse than pointless because the condesce would just take control of me with her mind powers!!!!  
Jade: even in my wildest dreams, i couldn't make a difference  
Jade: i failed everyone  
Jade: you gave me exactly one thing to do and it was still too much for me  
John: jade, no!  
John: you did what you were supposed to! everything worked out great!  
Jade: BARK!!!!!!!!!  
John: <:x  
Jade: i know!!  
Jade: i know i did what i was supposed to!!  
Jade: i know it worked out great!!!  
Jade: that is the problem!  
Jade: there was literally no other way it could have happened and its great that we all lived and now we have this fantastic new world to make our own and we are all immortal gods who are worshiped by the societies we helped make and wow isnt that silly and fun!!  
Jade: and up in the sky theres a message that says “thanks for playing”  
Jade: but john!  
Jade: I!!  
Jade: DIDN’T!!!  
Jade: PLAY!!!!!!  
John: jade...  
Jade: everything was out of my control until i went godtier and suddenly i had so much control  
Jade: and nothing to do with it except wait  
Jade: for three years!!  
Jade: meanwhile rose and kanaya got together, dave and karkat got together, everybody had a great time with the mayor, it just sounds like the most heart-warming break after the anxiety of our session!  
Jade: nothing like that for me though  
Jade: just the consorts and carapacians, who are pleasant and sweet and fun and i would never say anything bad about them ever  
Jade: but they are boring!! :(  
Jade: and then what happens after all that waiting??  
Jade: vriska! vriska happens!  
Jade: that’s all she ever does! she just wont stop keep happening!!!  
Jade: im asleep before i can even say a word, i wake up with one job, i fail at that job, and then its over!  
Jade: and now every time the sun comes up im reminded that i could have done better  
Jade: and sure now i have all the freedom and control i could ever want and im surrounded by friends and i get to see real actual people all the time and i am so so so so so so much happier than i was when we were playing that really very bad video game but still the only thing i can think of sometimes is that maybe someday you are going to need me again and ill fail as much as any one person has ever failed  
Jade: because that's what always happens  
Jade: i will let you all down and somebody will die and ill just be left behind again to wait and be sad forever  
Jade: forever!!  
Jade: because we are gods!!!!!  
Jade: bark  
Jade: :'(  
John: jade... i'm sorry.  
Jade: but do you know what really hurts?  
Jade: after everything that happened  
Jade: after i spent years watching you sleep waiting for the day my dream twin would finally wake up and talk to me  
Jade: after every conniving neer do well in paradox space bent over backwards to keep us from just hanging out together  
Jade: we walked into the universe we spilled so much blood to make, possessed of all the time we could ever want to say as much as we ever wanted to say  
Jade: and you stopped talking to me  
John: i didn't...  
Jade: YES YOU DID!!!! >:o  
Jade: you stopped talking to me because you had more important things to do just like everybody else  
Jade: i dont like to think that about you john because youre my friend and i love you!  
Jade: but either youre ashamed of me or you hate me or you just dont care  
Jade: and  
Jade: honestly i cant tell which is worse  
John: i'm not...  
John: i don't feel any of those things about you!  
Jade: then what is it?  
Jade: what did i do wrong?  
John: jade, you didn't do anything wrong.  
John: i...  
John: is that really how i make you feel?  
Jade: sometimes  
Jade: <:'|  
Jade: i think so much of you, and i have a hard time believing youd treat me the way you have unless i deserved it  
Jade: maybe thats bec making me naive  
John: it's nothing you did.  
John: i just thought you were busy!  
John: and...  
John: i was afraid to have this conversation.  
John: because you deserve better than how i treated you.  
Jade: youre right  
Jade: but  
Jade: sigh!!  
John: i'm sorry.  
Jade: please dont apologize to me again  
Jade: it isnt really your fault  
Jade: none of it is anyones fault, not even mine  
Jade: i guess the thing that i just did was very human which is maybe a good sign! but paradox space isnt human at all  
Jade: we cant really comprehend it even as we have seen more of it than almost anyone who ever lived  
John: uhhh.  
Jade: what i mean to say is, nothing we did was meaningless  
Jade: things that felt predestined were just events that happened in reaction to choices we made  
Jade: paradox space is always happening all of the time always  
Jade: four dimensional chess :p  
Jade: but even knowing that sometimes it is very hard not to feel very personally targeted  
John: well...  
John: weren’t you?  
Jade: >:?  
John: if paradox space is like you say, isn’t everything that happened to you just proof of how powerful you always were?  
Jade: :|  
John: maybe dumbassess like me and dave and karkat were left to run around and go on adventures because we weren't really a threat on our own.  
John: but even isolated on an island with just your dog for company, you still managed to do so much! imagine the threat you’d have posed if they ever let you off the leash!  
Jade: grrr  
John: jade, you know what i mean!  
John: if paradox space is chess, then we were pawns playing against a player. and we WON!  
John: that was because of you as much as anyone else.  
John: none of us got to live the life we deserved, but now we get that chance! and this time, you have friends who will chase you in circles all day if you want.  
John: all day!  
John: because we're gods!  
Jade: oh my goodness john!!  
Jade: <:’(  
John: i’m sorry.  
Jade: stop!  
Jade: apologizing!  
Jade: >:0  
Jade: wait  
Jade: we got way off topic!!! :o  
Jade: why were you apologizing in the first place????  
John: oh.  
John: ...  
Jade: noooooooo john you cant clam up like that after i just spilled my guts on you!!!! at you!!  
Jade: i dont remember the expression actually but you get the idea!!!  
John: i’m... sorry that i abandoned you.  
John: it’s my fault that you were stuck on that ship by yourself.  
Jade: i know john but it was for bigger reasons  
Jade: i shouldnt have said anything about all this its really not fair to you!  
John: fair to me??  
John: you just said every choice we made mattered!  
John: i chose to sacrifice three years of your life without ever involving you.  
Jade: yes but the alternative was letting caliborn and the condesce win  
Jade: i am very sad that things happened the way they did but id rather be sad and alive than dead and dead!  
Jade: your denizen gave you a choice, and you made the right one  
Jade: :)  
John: maybe that's true.  
John: but maybe it isn't.  
Jade: what do you mean?  
John: i had this power already. all my denizen did was put me in a situation where i had to learn how to use it.  
John: if i'd been smarter or worked harder, maybe i could have...  
John: the whole thing was about finding a third way so i could go back and fix what went wrong in our sessions.  
John: but really it was just a parlor trick to get me to panic! because panic was the only emotion that could get through to me.  
John: it was my thick skull that was the problem, but you're the one who had to pay for it.  
John: and there is no third way with you!  
John: i've tried.  
Jade: what do you mean youve tried? ._.  
John: ...  
John: i went back.  
John: i pretended i escaped LOWAS before it exploded and stayed with you through the trip.  
Jade: <:o  
Jade: so then... what went wrong?  
John: i think it was the deal i struck with typheus.  
John: if the denizens are all aware of each other in every universe, i guess there's just as much... substance? to the bargains they agree to.  
John: the cost of being doused in oil wasn't just the destruction of LOWAS and the deaths of... your me and your davesprite.  
John: i think those were just conditions to help the beta and alpha sessions combine smoothly.  
John: the real cost was your loneliness.  
John: to the point that, without it...  
John: everything else fell apart.  
Jade: oh  
John: the truth is, jade.  
John: i'm ashamed of myself.  
John: i knew how lonely you were and how much it would hurt you to be trapped all alone on that ship for so long.  
John: and i agreed to it anyway!  
John: i knew how unfair your life was and i willingly made it worse.  
John: just for the privilege of being pranked by an unfathomable worm god into figuring out a power i already had.  
John: no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't fix that mistake.  
John: ...  
John: jade?  
Jade: what  
John: are you okay?  
Jade: john, i  
Jade: >_<  
Jade: i dont know what to do with this information  
John: i'm sorry.  
Jade: ...  
Jade: if youre so ashamed  
Jade: why did you wait until now to tell me all this  
John: i wanted to!  
John: i've thought about it so often.  
John: but you seemed to finally be in a good place, and i just...  
John: didn't know what it would help.  
Jade: so you stopped talking to me  
John: i didn't want to make things worse...  
Jade: worse?  
Jade: worse????????  
Jade: what could possibly be worse than letting me think you didn't care about me anymore?  
Jade: because it sounds like you were less worried about making things worse than you were about how uncomfortable youd be having this conversation!!  
Jade: i know you meant well but all you did was take my life into your hands again without my permission!  
Jade: wow john i love you but sometimes youre dumber than a consort!!!!  
John: :(  
John: do you...  
John: do you want me to go back and stop myself, so we never have this conversation?  
Jade: >:O  
Jade: JOHN!!!!!!  
John: i'm sorry!  
John: i don't know what to do!  
John: this is why i never talk to anybody anymore, nothing makes sense to me!  
John: what would john do in this situation? he'd want to help, right??  
John: please tell me what he would do...  
John: what i would do.  
John: what i should do.  
John: please.  
Jade: what??  
Jade: john are you ok?  
Jade: i really dont understand  
John: ...okay.  
John: here we go, i guess.  
Jade: ?????


	4. Chapter 4

John: okay.  
John: can you tell me my INTERESTS?   
Jade: <_<; oooooooooooook  
Jade: you like dumb movies?   
John: is that it?   
Jade: you used to try writing computer code i think but you were really bad at it and then the world ended   
John: what else?  
Jade: :\   
John: you don't know, do you?  
John: neither do i.   
Jade: i dont...  
Jade: what is this   
John: ever since i got this power, it's like...  
John: okay.  
John: you're the most powerful person i've ever met. you can control space in ways that don't make sense to me. or most of our friends, probably!  
John: i think that shows how smart you are that you're so close to your aspect. which i know to you probably feels like a curse, and...  
John: well, maybe it is.  
John: when i do the windy thing, i don't control it. it just carries me where i need to be.  
John: as that happens, who i am... he doesn't disappear, but he does come apart. i'm still aware of what's going on around me, but i can only really piece it together after i've come back together at the end of the line.  
John: so it's a matter of trust to become like the wind because you just don't know what's going to happen next. and i was fine with that!  
John: but then i got this new power.  
John: you're so strong, jade.  
John: but for all that strength, you're still bound to the rules.  
John: i...  
John: i don't think i am anymore.   
Jade: o_o  
Jade: what does that even mean???   
John: I DON'T KNOW! i don't know!! i have no fucking clue!  
John: what are the "rules" even? gravity? time? we've broken those so often i forgot that they're rules for most people!  
John: it wasn't so long ago i was like "woah, time travel? that sounds wild and complicated!"  
John: and dave would be like  "no loser its super simple" and he'd explain stable time loops and i'd go cross-eyed, then karkat would say something like  "YOU STUPID HUMANS AND YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN THOUGHT BOXES OR WHATEVER BLUH BLUH SHUT UP I'M NOT INSECURE"  and then future dave would go back in time and give him a smooch-pap and karkat would be all  
John:  @_@;;   
John: and we'd all clap like it was something we'd never seen before or even thought was possible!   
Jade: hehe!  
Jade: :x  
Jade: sorry   
John: but now it's so normal to just like  
John: turn into god damn air or phase into nothing or steal someone's actual soul! no big deal, whatevs, what's on tv tonight? more frasier reruns? hell yeah baby i hate that show let's do it!!  
John: but there ARE rules bigger than us.  
John: there's a logic to the, what, the super structure? of paradox space that we're not able to violate.  
John: except me, i guess!  
John: i retconned a borked session back into being viable for the endgame!  
John: heck it's even wilder than that because i traveled from a post-scratch universe to the universe that created our universe before our universe was even created using only the weight of terezi's memories as a guide!  
John: ah!  
John: oh my god i never actually thought about how stupid that is!  
John: do you see what i mean?? no wonder i needed to be drowned in oil before i could wrap my head around this stuff!  
John: it should be you with this power, or terezi, or calliope!  
John: i don't know how to handle this! i never have.   
Jade: do you really think id be any less freaked out by that stuff if it were me?   
John: yes!  
John: no.  
John: i don't know.  
John: i just wish it weren't me. why did it have to be me??  
John: whose idea was this? i'm just some kid!   
Jade: john  
Jade: we were all just kids  
Jade: none of us were ready for   
John: no, you're wrong!!   
Jade: >:|   
John: i'm sorry, i'm sorry, but you're not hearing me.  
John: yeah, okay, we weren't prepared for sburb.  
John: but our aspects were part of us from birth! just because we were chasing ourselves in circles trying to figure them out doesn't change that we were still in some way destined to use them.  
John: this retcon thing?  
John: nothing about it is inherent to me. i just happened to be the dumbass who touched caliborn's stupid ugly juju!  
John: if it were just that power, it would be one thing. great, even! because i could just not use it and pretend like it never happened to me.  
John: but it isn't just that power.  
John: ever since i made the deal with typheus, i could feel something was off, and it got a little worse every time i jumped or used the windy thing.  
John: at first i thought it was probably just anxiety. end of the world will do that to a kid, right?  
John: but even after we won, that feeling stuck around.  
John: then one night i had a dream.   
Jade: like a dream bubble?   
John: no.  
John: this was something else. 

\---- 

Your name is XXXX XXXXXX, and you have INTERESTS. 

You are in a dark and quiet place, and you have infinite memories. So many, in fact, that they are indistinguishable from each other. 

Or perhaps you are someone more specific? 

For the sake of argument, let's call you JOHN. 

When you consider that name, everything snaps into focus. 

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you know exactly who you are. How could you not? 

You look out into the endless abyss and somehow know that you are beyond paradox space. Outside of it. But how can you be outside of that which supposedly contains everything? 

This question should terrify you, but in this dark and quiet place such things seem perfectly natural. 

Do you know what you see next, John? 

Of course you do. 

\----

John: i saw this... glowing mass of universes being born and dying over and over, a whole galaxy of frogs popping like fireflies faster than i could count!  
John: ...it didn't look nearly as silly as it sounds.   
Jade: :|   
John: seeing this, i felt nothing despite the knowledge that energy is limited in the universe.  
John: or...  
John: there aren't good enough words for this stuff!  
John: not multiverse.  
John: ugh, where's rose when you need her!  
John: omniverse?  
John: whatever it is, it only has so much movement, and when that movement stops, there won't be anything left.  
John: i could see it like a fire burning through a bunch of wood.  
John: or...  
John: it's more like that idiot snake eating itself!  
John: i hate that snake!!   
Jade: dont let calliope hear you say that   
John: it's like...  
John: there's a box that contains all things.  
John: it is 100% thing-ness.  
John: every new universe in that box eats up some of its thingitude.  
John: if that's true, it should run out of thing eventually right?  
John: but it doesn't!  
John: because each new universe somehow uses a smaller chunk of that 100%.  
John: which means the whole thing is effectively infinite despite the fact that the box is closed and there's no way for it to top off its thing meter!  
John: so it's almost like the box also contains itself!  
John: which means the omniverse is always in the process of dying while also being literally immortal!   
Jade: this is a very interesting dream john but what does it have to do with anything?   
John: i don't know.  
John: it's all so confusing and everywhere in my head, i feel like i need a cork board and a bunch of colored string just to keep track of it.  
John: i think i finally know how you felt back when we first started playing sburb!   
Jade: :p   
John: what i come back to is that we have earth c now. we beat the game. we won. this is our world and we get to make it what we want.  
John: right?  
John: that's what everyone keeps saying!  
John: but this universe didn't just magically escape that box.  
John: which means that someday, our new universe is going to face the same apocalypse the old one did, because it's the apocalypse EVERY universe faces.  
John: so does that mean there's already secret ruins with old letters and abandoned stations from a new session of the game that won't start for centuries, all of it just... waiting for whoever follows us??   
Jade: that is a concerning thought!   
John: but...  
John: maybe that's just how things are.  
John: this box, this system, whatever it is... i don't think there's anything we can do about it.  
John: i mean, what can you "do" about air??  
John: it is what it is and that's fine, i guess.  
John: that isn't what scares me.  
John: ...   
Jade: what is it?  
Jade: john???   
John: that wrongness i felt after typheus wasn't trauma or anxiety.  
John: i mean, not JUST trauma or anxiety.  
John: it was like the feeling you get after cutting your hair, where suddenly your head is lighter than it should be.  
John: only instead of losing something physical, i'd lost something...  
John: i don't know.  
John: psychological? emotional? spiritual?  
John: the details don't really matter, the point is i was missing something!   
Jade: do you mean like memories? people forget stuff sometimes john thats pretty normal   
John: memory is part of it, but it's more than that!  
John: imagine that, somewhere out in the omniverse, there's a "you" that contains every version of you there ever was.  
John: you are it, but it isn't you...   
Jade: davepeta said something like this to me before but i thought they were just flirting!   
John: right!  
John: wait, what?  
John: nevermind.  
John: point is, if the "you" that's talking to me right now dies, the "you" that exists out there only grows. does that make sense?   
Jade: i think so yes   
John: you're attached to it, and i don't think anyone can kill it.  
John: at least, you're not supposed to.  
John: but as we already established, "supposed to" doesn't really seem to apply to me anymore!   
Jade: okay but what does that mean? are you trying to kill yourself???  
Jade: <:[   
John: i'm trying to do the opposite!  
John: that's why i never talk to anyone! that's why i stay where i am!  
John: no one was ever meant to have this kind of power. we aren't supposed to see the things i've seen.  
John: but i think it's worse for me than it would be for anyone else!  
John: because i spread out. i take myself apart.  
John: that "me" that exists out there, i think it's the reason i'm able to put myself back together when i do the windy thing.  
John: but there's something about this power that disrupts that "me."  
John: it's not just memories that have gone missing. it's not that i've forgotten things that happened to me.  
John: i think it's that those things, those events?  
John: they never happened at all, anymore.   
Jade: thats terrifying john!   
John: it freaks me out a lot too, actually!  
John: i'm kind of really fucking scared, almost all the time!  
John: because it just happens that i reflect on my life and nothing makes sense, and i realize there have to be things that happened to me that just don't exist anymore that got me where i am.  
John: i see you guys being so enthusiastic and invested, but i just feel apathy.  
John: was i always like this?  
John: that can't be true, can it?  
John: people are supposed to be more than just INTERESTS but i barely even have those anymore! what little i know about myself just feels so...  
John: thin.  
John: and i think it's just a matter of time before there's no "John" at all.  
John: i'll just break apart and vanish into space, and it won't just be me that's gone, it'll be the very idea of me!  
John: i won't be dead or double-dead, i just...  
John: will never have existed in the first place.  
John: no one will miss me.  
John: because no one will remember me.  
John: and...  
John: i have nightmares about this, jade!  
John: i can feel myself letting go and becoming a billion billion atoms just decaying through paradox space.  
John: i feel those atoms phasing in and out of existence, so untethered from everything that they just...  
John: slip out of the omniverse forever.  
John: and there's no putting me back together, because there is no "me" anymore.  
John: except i feel something, and it's the worst thing i've ever felt in my whole life.  
John: it's worse than loneliness.  
John: worse than being dead.  
John: it's the awareness that an "i" used to exist.  
John: but it doesn't anymore.  
John: and now it never did.  
John: jade...  
John: i have to hold on to those pieces of myself as much as i can, i have to TRY to be whoever i think "john" is because i have no idea when what few pieces of myself i still have will disappear  
John: but i know eventually it won't matter  
John: it's inevitable  
John: and i am terrified  
John: i am so scared  
John: i'm so  
John:  
John:  
John:  
John:  
John: jade are you there  
John: please talk to me  
John: please don't go  
John: i know it's what i deserve  
John: you should hate me so much for what i did to you  
John: it's selfish that i don't want to be alone  
John: maybe it's better if i go  
John: i think...  
John: i think if i tried hard enough, i could just...

leave.

John: but i  
John: i don't want to go yet  
John: i don't want to go  
John: jade, please...  


You lower your phone and see that its screen is dark. you feel a desperate illness as you realize that all your worst fears were true. 

No one cares about you. Obviously your problems are just the complaints of a spoiled nuisance. Your friends have better things to do than humor your whining. They're too busy to notice you falling apart. 

Or maybe they don't notice what's missing because they never knew it was there at all. 

Honestly, what's there to mourn? You barely even existed in the first place. 

You are going to disappear eventually. It will be a miserably slow process as you dissolve into something less than a ghost. Do you really want to see the looks on their faces as they look at a person they believe they've never met? You'll believe the same, John. 

The whole thing is such a misery. Why not speed things along? Get it over with? 

Yes. 

You look down and see your legs distorted through a prismatic dance of light, a light that slowly spreads up your body. You should be frightened, but in this dark and quiet place such things are perfectly natural. 

Jade: JOHN!! 

You blink and suddenly she's standing in front of you, a hand on each of your shoulders. She's breathing fast, and there are tears perched at the corners of her eyes. You look her up and down, a little bit in disbelief. Why is she here? Why is she- 

Jade: I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR DUMB POWERS JOHN EGBERT  
Jade: YOU COULD SHATTER INTO A MILLION PIECES AND BE ERASED FROM EXISTENCE AND ID STILL KNOW YOU WERE GONE  
Jade: I DONT CARE IF YOU END UP IN AN OLD SESSION OR THE FURTHEST RING OR SCATTERED ACROSS ALL CORNERS OF PARADOX SPACE  
Jade: I DONT EVEN CARE IF YOU MANAGE TO LEAVE THE OMNIVERSE!!  
Jade: I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN  
Jade: I WILL GATHER YOU UP  
Jade: AND I WILL PUT!  
Jade: THE JOHN!!  
Jade: BACK IN THE BOX!!!!!!!! >:'O 

You see this scene as if you are outside of yourself- a silly girl with dog ears screaming in your face and trying to shake some sense into you, and you a tired boy who has felt so lost for so long. 

That's when you start laughing. 

It comes shallow at first, like an echo from inside a cave, but it travels through you until you're practically howling. Jade lets go of you and takes a step back, cocking her head to one side, tears still glittering on her face. 

She touches your arm, and your laughter begins to fade. You feel a weight pressing down on you, pushing you into a slouch as your lungs play catch up. You fall into silence, and- 

Jade: john? are you ok?? 

You look up at her, and you notice that you've started to cry. 

John: i... 

Without another pause, you pull Jade close to you and bury your face in her shirt. You are sobbing now, something you haven't done in years. 

With that, the light that was slowly devouring you recedes. Jade wraps her arms around your shuddering body and pulls you as close as she can. 

John: jade!!  
John: i don't want to be alone anymore!  
John: i'm so sick of waiting to disappear!  
John: i miss you so much.  
John: i miss dave.  
John: i miss rose.  
John: i miss all of us!!   
Jade: i miss you too!!!!  
Jade: john i dont know if there are pieces of you that have been erased but i do know that isolating yourself like this can only make things worse!  
Jade: sometimes we are just terrified and dont know what to do because we may be gods but we are still just kids!  
Jade: theres no one to tell us what to do or how to deal with any of this  
Jade: thats why we need each other!!  
Jade: thats why i need you.  
Jade: youre my brother and i dont know what id do without you  
Jade: you can be dumber than a sack of rocks sometimes and your best intentions can definitely leave something to be desired at times!  
Jade: but thats true of all of us  
Jade: and i promise you that under NO circumstances do you deserve to disappear!!  
Jade: who we are is who we surround ourselves with john and we have the best friends in the history of paradox space!  
Jade: so what if you cant remember your INTERESTS  
Jade: there are so many interesting things in the world it defies our ability to comprehend!!  
Jade: you are alive and youre loved and i would be so fucking angry at you if you just up and vanished!!!  
Jade: bark bark!! 

She pulls away and looks you in the eye. You have a hard time making out her expression because your glasses are smudged and covered in tears. As you take them off and try to give them a clean, Jade pulls away and calls someone on her phone. 

You're shaking. It feels like a thousand years of misery have just burst out of you with such force it physically hurts. So much, perhaps, that you'll still be feeling it for a long time to come. 

But that you feel at all is proof that you are, in some way, still human. Maybe that's not enough in the long run, but it's certainly a start. 

You put your glasses back on just in time to see Jade say goodbye to whoever's on the other line. 

Jade: it sounds like rose got overzealous in handling a situation and wound up setting some can houses on fire  
Jade: kanaya insists she doesnt need help but i think she just wants to keep rose all to herself!  
Jade: why dont we go help them clean up? 

You look around your room, and it feels like you've just woken up from a dream. Where have you been all this time? How did you let things get so bad? 

You look at your sister, and she is smiling. It's been so long, you forgot what that smile looked like. And how infectious it was. 

Now you're smiling, too. It feels odd on your face, like you're a little out of practice. You stand up, stretch, dry your eyes to the best of your ability- 

and then launch yourself towards Jade with open arms. As she embraces you again, you're overcome with the realization that absolutely everything in your life always has been and always will be a terrifying and uncertain prospect... except this. 

This may be the one thing across every reality that is always reliable. 

John: thank you, jade.

John: thank you.

John: thank you. 


End file.
